Yo dont text me then not text me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
