Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
