there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
