I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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