3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
