Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
