i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
