Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
