She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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