I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
