see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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