I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
