Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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