I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
