I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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