So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
