My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
