I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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