My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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