You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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