I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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