rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
