i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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