Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
