Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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