Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I sprained my soul last night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
