It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
