the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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