i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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