i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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