Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We're too hungover to prance.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
