I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
