guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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