So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
