Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize