She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
