Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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