U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
