I'm jealous of your bromance
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
