make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
