just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
