She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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