Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
