I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
