my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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