you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
