Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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