They should really pass out barf bags in church
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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