seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize