i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
