Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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