how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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