Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
