I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
