I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
