I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
