My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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